LOL! [A MUST SEE] HOW TO SECRETLY POO (TOILET) AT YOUR BOYFRIEND'S HOUSE

Personally, I cannot stand it if a guy sees me poop. I won’t even let any man into the loo while I’m in there. Take it or leave it. I am Naijasinglegirl and I don’t poop! 

And neither should you! You’re a woman—have some class. And as much of a double standard as it is, he’ll be turned off by it.

I am a master at bathroom etiquette. None of the guys I ever hung around with knew I pooped. I gave them the impression that when my body needs to undergo metabolism, I vomit out my waste through my mouth or an angel visits me every night to empty my bowels. 

Rules to follow:

There are two major factors to consider which are sound and smell. Our nose and ears function in a mutually exclusive way. That’s why there’s need to turn down the volume of your car stereo when you are trying to locate a mixed up street address. That’s why its more dangerous to release a silent fart during a catholic mass service than it is to fart at a club.

SOUND 

This section is for when the smell is not a factor, but the sound is. For example, you know he wont be going into the bathroom soon (perhaps because he already went) but the walls are paper thin. If you’re at his place in the morning or evening, you can turn on the faucets, and showers, then pretend you’re brushing your teeth vigorously to mask the sound of your ploping. If he asks you why there’s so much noise in there, tell him running water calms your nerves. 

If appropriate, the best thing is to tell him you are going to take a quick shower. This is great because he thinks you are doing it as “prep” for “wowie time.”

However, beware of two things:
1. The smell will be worse in a humid environment so use cold water.
2. Do a super fast wash-up afterwards because of the whole aforementioned “wowie time” thing he may be expecting.

Flush as you plop. That’s pretty self explanatory. If its not going to be super weird for you to flush four or five times, then time your plops to the same time as the loud flushing noise.
Beware: TIME PROPERLY! 

The loud part of the flush is not for a few seconds after you’ve pushed the lever.
Put some toilet paper into the toilet before you begin.
This absorbs the poop and thus prevents that telling back splash noise. Beware, it will smell worse if you use this method because the specimen is not submerged fully into the water. 

Extra Tip: Turn on the radio to the maximum volume or slot in one of those TerryG’s loud cds when your bowel starts giving you signs. Before you leave him in the bedroom or sitting room, tell him you absolutely love the TerryG’s song playing. Then after two minutes of dancing or singing along loud, excuse yourself. Chances are, he’ll leave the radio up until you come back.

SMELL

Smell is a tougher thing to conceal. At times it gets so bad his nose won’t only be traumatised. He might start hearing the smell of the poop. I’m sure you wouldn’t let it get to that cos you are a princess and barbies don’t poop!

But if it happens, smell is all you need to worry about when the area he is sitting is far from the bathroom and the sound wont carry. If this is the case, here are a few tips:
Before you get in there, pre warn him by giving him signs like:

“Boo, are you perceiving that awful smell from your bathroom area? Let me go check it out.”
“Boo, let’s play hide and seek. I pick the toilet to hide.”
“Boo, is someone working on the drainage outside?”

Babe, when was the last time you empty the trash? I smell something.

Did you wash the dishes from the night before?
“Boo, what’s that smell? Did a rat die in here?”

Lock the door!
Do your deeds as FAST as you can!
Use the bathroom spray or, insecticide. Tell him you are helping to disinfect his bathroom if he asks. 

BEFORE you drop one AND after, most people wait until after, do not make this mistake - Crack a window or light a match (I usually move around with a matchstick). These are both “tell tale poop smell” concealers.

If possible, don’t walk out of the bathroom till the smell goes out except you are walking out with a lawyer. LoL

That way, the smell has a chance to dissipate by the time he needs to go in there again.

If multiple flushes aren’t a problem, take advantage.

The less time poop is sitting in the toilet, the less chance is has to stink up the room.

If all else fails, accept that he will know you pooped. As unattractive as it might be, all mature men know that all humans poop. If he makes fun of you or sues you for a smelly poop , tell him to grow up. If he won’t grow up, he’s not mature enough for a relationship so its okay to break-up cos of a natural process like pooping.
Goodluck. 

Note: This post is exclusive to girls only.

- NaijaSingleGirl